Princess Who?

Last night after dinner the boys wanted some of their Halloween candy for dessert.  The deal is, as long as they eat all of their dinner, then they can have a piece of candy.  Trysten’s choice last night was a mini box of purple Nerds.

Ever the efficient one, I sat him down at the dinner table with his treat to keep him occupied so that I would be free to head to the bathroom to assist Caden in getting all set up for bath time.  I should have known better than to leave a four-year-old alone with candy, because on my way out of the bathroom, I noticed a creepy dwarf-like figure hanging out in my room with the lights out.  And low and behold, no Trysten at the table.

Obviously something was up, because the kid only goes in my room if he’s A) wanting to wrestle on the bed, B) looking for me (which he clearly was not), or C) up to no good.  My mommy instinct was screaming C.

Me:  Hey, what are you doing in my room?
TJ: (looking surprised and hiding something behind his back) Oh nothing, mommy.  Just… hanging out.
Me:  Uh huh, right.  You have three seconds to tell me what you’re doing in here.  Three… two…
TJ:  (holding up one of his small purple Nerds) OK, I was just trying to hide this under your bed! 
Me:  Um, why would you want to hide your candy under my bed?  You know that food and candy stays in the kitchen, dude.
TJ:  Well I already put a pea under there a few days ago.  So now I was trying to put this—

Wait, what?  Did he just say he put a pea under my bed?  Where the hell did he get peas?  I HATE peas!  The only food I’ve made in the last week with any form of peas in it was a couple of days ago.  So if what he just said held any truth at all, that meant I have had a little pea rotting under my bed for the last couple of days.  At this point my head is spinning.  Remember that post the other night about bed-bug paranoia?  If so, you can probably guess that this is right about when the big neon sign in my mind lit up with the words “WELCOME TO HELL.”

Me:  You put a PEA under my bed?  Are you kidding right now or are you serious?
TJ:  (grinning from ear to ear and stating rather proudly) Yeah, I put it under there the other night mom.
Me:  (trying keep the Hulk-like Crazy Mom from rearing her ugly head)  Show me.
TJ:  (prancing over to the side of my bed, still with the grin)  I think right here, mommy.  Right in there.

He pointed to a spot between the mattress and box spring, so I lifted the mattress and pushed it over.  And there it was - a lonely, dried, shriveled, green little pea that he had somehow wedged between the mattress and box spring and left for God only knows why.  Upon seeing this little pea, I only recall two things crossing my mind: OMG thank you there are no bed bugs! and WHY THE F—- is there a pea under my mattress?!

Me:  (still trying desperately to keep my cool) Trysten, what on EARTH would possess you to put a pea under my mattress?  Since when do you put FOOD under mommy’s mattress?  What the heck, dude?

He looked up at me with his little pouty face and puppy-dog eyes and said quietly “Well mommy, I just wanted to see if you were a princess.”  Then bashfully looked down at the floor before flashing me the eyes again.

And then it clicked.  The Princess and the Pea. Right now your heart is probably breaking while you shame me silently in your mind, right?  How do I know?  Because that is exactly what was happening to me.
So, being completely dumbfounded and not knowing what to say, I just stared at him blankly while I tried to come up with something to possibly redeem myself.  Just then I watched as a small smile started working its way across his lips.  I laughed at him and said “you’re so silly!  you little goof!” and he laughed  back at me.  “OK, come on.  Let’s go finish your candy.  And no more putting food under mommy’s mattress, OK?” I said as I took his hand and we headed out the door.  “OK, mom,” he said back.

Talk about feeling like a real jerk, though.  The poor kid just wanted to reassure himself that mommy really IS a beautiful princess, and all I did was secure myself the title of Wicked Witch.

Inner Self:  Way to go, mommy.  Halloween was over two days ago, so how about you put the attitude away with the costume, mmmkay?
Me:  Deal.