Frozen

There are times, like tonight, that I am awakened by my worst and most prevalent fear that there is someone lurking in the shadows of my room, waiting and watching as I sleep. I have dreams of this intruder that are so lucid that when I wake, they render me crippled to the point that I can not move. And I feel that it’s at this time that the real nightmare begins. My body lies still, writhed with tension as I struggle to catch my breath against the crushing weight of my own fear; my mind begins to take over and play cruel tricks, running through an endless que of possible scenarios as I try to anticipate what’s to come. And all the while I am frozen — incapable of even bringing myself to move to check on the boys as they sleep.

Every time I have to fight to convince myself it isn’t real, that no one is there, and the boys are fine. Finally, after the irrational thoughts pass and I talk myself down, I’m able to relax and fall asleep again. But not without the knowledge that when I wake, my body will be sore from the tension and I will be exhausted.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.