Frozen

There are times, like tonight, that I am awakened by my worst and most prevalent fear that there is someone lurking in the shadows of my room, waiting and watching as I sleep. I have dreams of this intruder that are so lucid that when I wake, they render me crippled to the point that I can not move. And I feel that it’s at this time that the real nightmare begins. My body lies still, writhed with tension as I struggle to catch my breath against the crushing weight of my own fear; my mind begins to take over and play cruel tricks, running through an endless que of possible scenarios as I try to anticipate what’s to come. And all the while I am frozen — incapable of even bringing myself to move to check on the boys as they sleep.

Every time I have to fight to convince myself it isn’t real, that no one is there, and the boys are fine. Finally, after the irrational thoughts pass and I talk myself down, I’m able to relax and fall asleep again. But not without the knowledge that when I wake, my body will be sore from the tension and I will be exhausted.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Why, Oh Why? You Broke Mama's Heart With Your Little Lie

My son lied to me tonight.  I’m so disappointed and so heartbroken.  I realize that all kids lie at some point or another, and I’m used to the little “instant reaction” kind of lies they tell to keep out of trouble where you ask them something, they answer, you know they’re lying and you say “you better not be lying, this is your only chance to tell the truth” and they immediately fess up.  I expect that.  But this, tonight, was different.  I think the hardest part about it is the length he went to to lie to me, and how many times I can think of before now that it has actually worked.

He wanted to get on the computer tonight and do his spelling words.  I told him once he finished the rest of his homework and after his shower, he could.  I got it all set up for him so that he could just jump on and play his spelling game while I was reading stories and putting his little brother to bed.  He planned on taking the quickest shower of his life, and to do so, was apparently thinking he could cut a few steps.  Everything would have went over smoothly and he would have been out of the shower in record time, but his plan hit a little snag.  Since we are out of the “tearless” shampoo, the boys have been using mine for the last couple of nights, which means I have to assist with the washing and rinsing process to keep it from getting in their eyes.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to get away with not washing his hair, because I’d know something was up when he didn’t ask for help, so he called for me to come help him and told me that was the only thing he had left to do.  So of course, I went in there thinking it would be a quick wash and rinse and Trysten and I could get back to our story.  But while I was in there, I decided to ask if he’d washed the rest of his body with soap?  And did he wash his wee-wee really good?

CJ:  Yep mom, I used the soap and washed.
Me: (noticing there is no soap in the tub because it is on the sink) Oh really?  What soap?  I don’t see any anywhere?
CJ:  (pointing to the DRY bar of soap on the sink) Oh, the soap over there on the sink.  I did it really fast.
Me:  Huh.  Well that’s funny because that bar of soap is dry.  And you’ve still got some dirt on your arm.  Are you sure you washed with soap?  Because if you’re lying to me right now, you’re not playing the word game.  You have one last shot to redeem yourself and tell the truth.

Now, typically this is where he will tell me the truth and I will cut him a little slack.  But not tonight.  Tonight went down totally different.

CJ:  I really did mom.  I promise.  I really, really did.
Me:  Caden, I KNOW you didn’t and I KNOW you’re lying to me right now.
CJ: (starting to cry REAL TEARS, as if I’ve just hurt his feelings beyond comprehension by accusing him of such a thing and HOW DARE I) I swear mom!  I really did!  Why won’t you believe me?!
Me:  Caden!  Seriously dude!  I KNOW that you didn’t.  The soap on the sink is dry, so how could you have washed yourself with soap?
CJ:  (tears running down his face and snot dripping from his nose as he cries in disbelief that I don’t believe him)  I did mom! I washed my whole body with soap like I said.  I just did it fast.  It’s not fair!  I promise that I did.  Can’t you just believe me?! I really, really did!

At this point I’m somewhat second guessing myself, thinking maybe he really did wash himself with a different bar of soap that I’m just not seeing.  My kid wouldn’t lie to me like this, right?  I mean, if he’s crying like this and putting up this much of a fight, he has to be telling the truth, right?  I decide to give him one last test.

Me:  OK, fine.  You know what, I’m going to smell your wee wee then.  And that will tell me if you’re lying to me or telling me the truth whether you like it or not, so you better tell me.

Like clockwork he instantly stopped crying, looked at me with huge eyes, and just stared at me blankly.  I could see the wheels turning as he was asking himself is she crazy enough to really do that?  What if she is?  Uh oh.

CJ: (sighing heavily in defeat, then looking at the ground shamefully) OK I didn’t really.
Me:  I know you didn’t, Caden.  Now get out of the shower.  You’re done.  No computer, no stories, no anything.  I’m so disappointed in you right now.  All those times I KNEW you were lying, but I believed you because you cried and swore you were telling the truth.  I don’t even know what to say to you right now.  Just get out and get your pajamas on while I finish reading to your brother.  Then brush your teeth and get ready for bed and I’ll be out in a minute.
CJ: (still looking at the floor in shame and sounding slightly like Eeyore) Oh-kay.

I feel like I’ve been completely duped by the kid.  It would be one thing if this was the first time he’d ever manipulated, taken advantage of, and lied to me like this.  But it isn’t.  Saturday night he did the same thing around bed time.  He was on the couch relaxing with his dad while he was here visiting for the weekend, wide awake and playing.  Five minutes before it was time for bed, I gave both boys the five minute warning.  At this point, I watched him close his eyes and pretend for the next five minutes he was asleep.  After the five was up, I told them both it was bed time.  He laid there and pretended to be asleep.  Not a huge deal, except for when he finally got up he said “what? I was asleep!”  To which his dad and I both replied, “Caden, we know you weren’t.”  And he did the same crying act then.  “But I really was!  I did fall asleep!  I promise!  I really did for a few minutes.  I swear I did.  Why won’t you just believe me?  I promise I did mom.”  So I thought, okay, maybe he was just really tired and drifted for a few minutes.  I let it go, and said “OK then you’re obviously super tired and you need to go to bed anyway.  Let’s stop arguing about it, because it’s clear you need to get to sleep as soon as possible.” And that was that.

But tonight, again, the same thing - and obviously an outright lie.

I’m so furious and so disappointed - for tonight, for Saturday night, and for all the other times he may have used this tactic knowing I would give him the benefit of the doubt, and that I actually did.  I want to yell and shake him and get SO mad and ask him WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!  WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME?! And then there’s the guilt.  What did I do wrong?  Is he scared to tell me the truth?  Am I creating an environment that he feels he can’t be honest with me?  What do I do to fix this?  I don’t want my kids to be scared to talk to me.  But this wasn’t like he did something wrong and he was scared to tell me about it for fear he’d get in trouble.  This was a completely selfish, manipulative tactic to get what he wanted.  I’m so so hurt right now.


Am I wrong in feeling this way?  Am I overreacting?  I’m not sure at all how to handle this.  How DO I fix it?  How do I punish him so that he knows I mean business when I say NO LIES!  I told him he’s grounded all weekend - he isn’t going to grandma’s or anywhere else for that matter, no video games, no computer, no cartoons, AND he will spend his free time by writing “I will not lie” 100 times before the weekend is over.  I honestly even feel like that isn’t enough to stress how important it is that he not lie to me.  We are the most important people we have.  Him, me, and his brother - that is our family.  It’s the three of us whether he likes it or not.  And we DO NOT LIE to each other.  Period.  End of story.

I’m supposed to defend my son through anything and believe that he would never lie to me.  So what do I do when I know he is capable, and even worse, he has?

Tadpole's Promise

The other night my son brought home a library book called Tadpole's Promise by Jeanne Willis.
I was kind of excited to read this story at first, thinking it was about a romantic young love, portraying how even those that are the most different can find love in unusual circumstances.  A love that will blossom if given enough time and faith, etc.  Even though I give off somewhat of a cynical vibe at times, I really am a total optimist at heart, and a complete sucker for romance.  So, you can imagine my disappointment when that is not at all how this story ends (story transcribed in italics below for anyone that hasn't read it and may be intrigued).

I'm not really sure how to feel about this story, or, in particular, the ending. And to make matters worse, it is quickly becoming one of CJ's favorite stories. Part of me thinks "well, it's pretty realistic, right?" and another part of me can't let go of what a disappointment it is.  I mean, I can understand reading a book as an adult full of reality and not so happy endings.  I totally get that.  But in a kids book?  Aren't they supposed to be full of happy endings and messages of hope in all circumstances in an effort to preserve their innocence and the vast amount of possibilities, hopes, and dreams still contained within their hearts and minds?  Aren't we supposed to still be sending the message 'anything is possible if you put your heart and mind to it' at this stage? 

I don't know.  I'm lost on this one.  Maybe I'm not really interpreting the metaphor correctly?  I thought about it from the standpoint of a woman, or anyone really, in a relationship that has been lied to and/or abused.  The woman being the caterpillar, and the man being the tadpole.  They start out young, full of hope and promise.  But inevitably, he changes in ways that may or may not be beyond his control.  There is always the promise that things will be better, things will be different, or things will go back to the way they were.  But more often than not, it never turns out that way.  The one that has been betrayed goes away, blossoms to become a beautiful butterfly, but still can't seem to let go of the relationship and the hope that it can be what she dreams it to be.  So she goes back, and is consumed by the relationship to the point where she no longer even exists as what she once was or as the butterfly she became - and the one in the relationship doing so much damage remains completely oblivious to their destruction and wonders where it all went wrong and where the girl he fell in love with went.

 It's the only explanation that seems understandable, or even relateable to me (can you tell I have some issues), but I still don't understand the ever daunting question:  Why a kid's book?  As in, let's take away hope, replace it with the harsh realities of the world in an effort to protect against broken hearts?  What is the point of having a heart if it's too hard to break anyway? Seems to be kind of a paradox to the age old saying "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all."

Reading too far into it?  Looney tunes?  I won't blame you if you say yes.  Just curious as to what others have to say about it, and looking for a little insight other than my own.

(It's a fairly short story, so if you are intrigued, the story follows below).

"Where the willow meets the water, a tadpole met a caterpillar. They gazed into each other's tiny eyes... and fell in love. She was his beautiful rainbow, and he was her shiny black pearl. 
'I love everything about you,' said the tadpole.
'I love everything about you,' said the caterpillar. 'Promise you'll never change.'
'I promise,' he said.
But as sure as the weather changes, the tadpole could not keep his promise.  Next time they met, he had grown two legs.
'You've broken your promise,' said the caterpillar.
'Forgive me,' begged the tadpole.  'I couldn't help it.  I don't want these legs... All I want is my beautiful rainbow.'
'All I want is my shiny black pearl.  Promise me you'll never change,' said the caterpillar.
'I promise,' he said.
But sure as the seasons change, the next time they met, he had grown arms.
'That's twice you've broken your promise,' cried the caterpillar.
'Forgive me,' begged the tadpole. 'I could not help it.  I do not want these arms... All I want is my beautiful rainbow.'
'And all I want is my shiny black pearl.  I will give you one last chance,' said the caterpillar.
But as sure as the world changes, the tadpole could not keep his promise.  The next time they met, he had no tail.
'You have broken your promise three times, and now you have broken my heart,' said the caterpillar.
'But you are my beautiful rainbow,' said the tadpole.
'Yes, but you are not my shiny black pearl.  Good-bye.'  She crawled up the willow branch and cried herself to sleep.
One warm moonlit night, she woke up.  The sky had changed.  The trees had changed.  Everything had changed... except for her love for the tadpole.  Even though he'd broken his promise, she decided to forgive him.
She dried her wings and fluttered down to look for him.  Where the willow meets the water, a frog was sitting on a lily pad.
'Excuse me,' she said. 'Have you seen my shiny black...'
But faster than she could say 'pearl,' the frog leapt up and swallowed her in one great gulp.
And there he waits...
thinking fondly of his beautiful rainbow...
... wondering where she went." - Jeanne Willis

What do you think?

Shame On You, Mommy

So, I got this mole on my lower calf removed about a week ago.  In order to remove the mole, they had to remove a chunk of flesh about the size, shape, and thickness of a nickel.  So now where the mole used to be, there is just an ugly, flesh-exposed hole in my leg.  And I have to be honest - it looks real gross.  I usually keep it covered, but last night I had treated it and wanted to let it air out a bit.

So last night at story time, Caden was laying in my bed as we were wrapping up the last of his book.  When I told him the story was over and it was time for bed, he did what he usually does and pretended he was asleep.  I always know he isn’t and that it’s just his attempt to play with me, but I was already tired and feeling cranky, so I really wasn’t in the mood.  I told him again it was bed time, and tried to keep patient, but it seems the bed time command is always inevitably followed up with whining.

CJ:  Awwww man.  Can’t I just sleep in your bed mom?
Me: No Caden, you have your own bed, dude.  We each have our own beds so that we can sleep in them.
CJ:  But mom, I just want to sleep in your bed and cuddle with you.

Now, while this sentiment is pretty sweet, and there have definitely been nights where this exact same conversation has taken place and I have caved without much hesitation at all, I have undoubtedly learned my lesson.  First of all, if you cave and let one kid sleep with you, the other kid’s sleepy-sense starts tingling and within five minutes he will show up in your room at your bedside, poking your shoulder to see if you’re awake and ask if he can get in the bed, too.  And if you let one kid in the bed, you have to let the other in.  Secondly, if you cave, they will remember it and exploit your weakness e-v-e-r-y chance they get.  And unless you enjoy some good, old fashioned, tag team style jabs-to-the-ribs and a few forearms-to-the-face while you are sleeping, you will seriously reconsider allowing this to happen.

With that in mind, there was no way the kid was sleeping with me, but I still knew that the next five minutes would consist of him working every angle he knew how, and me shooting him down like a WWII kamikaze pilot.  None of which I was looking forward to or really in the mood to deal with at all.  So when he noticed the “thing” on my leg and started asking questions, I knew the universe had recognized my frustration and my moment had arrived.

CJ:  What’s that thing, mom?
Me:  It’s my owie.
CJ:  Oh man!  That’s DISGUSTING!
Me:  Yep, and if you don’t get out of my bed, I’m going to put it on you.

His face went immediately from curiosity, to complete disgust, to sheer horror at the thought of having this thing touching him, and I just sat for a moment and delighted at my own evil genius.  Then, when I could tell he wasn’t quite sure if I was serious or not, I raised my leg and began inching it further in his direction, taunting him in a sing-songy fashion like here I cooome… I’m gonna put it on youuuu…

I don’t think I’ve seen him bolt out of my bed so quickly before, e-v-e-r .  And as if that wasn’t enough, just for my own complete enjoyment of the situation, I followed him all the way out of the room taunting him every time he turned around to see if he could relax.  I’m telling you, the kid was out of there with the quickness.

I’m fairly sure I can say that I’ve never been so ashamed and so proud of myself all at the same time.  It was seriously awesome.

Mommy - 1, Caden - 0